It has been a long haul. Three months and a week. Not only have I gained stress physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I tip my hats to all the women around the world who have Husbands in the service, and likewise to the Husbands who's Wives are in the service. The sacrifice has never seemed as surreal and troublesome until I had to go through with it.
Those of you who know me, don't know me at all. I've gone through more in my lifetime than any person ever should. I've suffered and struggled and been left to deal with it on my own. The friends I thought I had, I ended up finding out too late were not there for me and didn't have me in mind. Being alone in a house full of people, feeling empty and socially distraught...has been my life for the past three months. I've been able to depend on myself and learn not to care when people let me down. I've also managed to have a new habit of being so lonely I talk to myself in public, and am constantly trying to find a quiet place where my thoughts and I can retreat to.
The best part is that the people I once used to talk to and have a relationship with, I now find try to avoid me and conversation. Those who know of mistakes I've made hang them over my head and keep me in a constant state of guilt and humiliation. The worst of these offenders being my mother. If it's not bad enough that I have to live at home again, when she wanted nothing more than to kick me out, she now blames me for situations I had no control over. Other members of my family have also got this offensive attitude towards me and should be ashamed of themselves. How dare you! How dare you treat me with such abhorrent behavior! How dare you think that I deserve what I got! That what I've had to go through I deserved because I made a mistake. HOW DARE YOU! Avoiding subjects, avoiding me, do you really have so much pride that you've all forgotten what mistakes you've made? Do you not remember how much suffering you went through? Do you not remember how others judged you? Do you remember the feeling of humiliation you were consumed with in their presence? Do You? Did you like hearing anyone else tell you that you DESERVED what you got? Because you sure don't act like you do. You act like you are perfect and spotless in every aspect of your lives. How dare you all. I'm embarrassed to have people like you in my lives. You have no room to judge and yet you hand out judgement like you're God. Guess what? You're not. Your behavior makes your old sins the same crimson as mine, so don't act like you've got the perfect slate when you can't forgive others of their transgressions.
I have been patient enough with the judgmental looks, and the whispers behind my back, but don't think for a second that I won't remember you're mistakes and your attitude towards me. I have forgiven every person in my life to a fault. It has given me more pain than it's worth and it ended up being the final reason why I made my mistake in the first place when I had no one left. You're lack of understanding, accepting of me, and support honestly makes me want to hate you. As someone who has looked up to you for help when I needed it most, and yet you didn't care, didn't want to even try...I've spent more time crying because of everyone in my life who has turned away from me, than I have most of my life. I've been dealing with everything by myself, and it's a miracle I have anyone to talk to about it at all. She's been the only one to help me see that I'm not this terrible person everyone now makes me out to be. She's helped me see that my suffering at the expense of everyone else's pride isn't okay. That their lack of support isn't my fault and that (in a sense) the trials that led to a mistake of mine, and how everyone else is reacting isn't my fault. She has listened and hasn't judged though I'm sure others have tried to persuade her to.
I'll tell you though. I'm happy. I'll be happy to be as far away from everyone as I can get. Pensicola, Florida will be good for me and Christian. Away from judging stares and hurtful comments. Away from those who don't accept me for me and who dislike my husband. To all of you...I say SUCK IT UP! Get off your high horse and get a life. If you're not going to be there for me, then I don't want you to be in my life at all. I don't need any more negativity in my life and if you're not going to make being in my life a positive thing for me, then I don't want you anywhere in it. I've been just fine on my own and I don't depend on anyone but myself, so don't act like I'm helpless. I am not weak. I am not helpless. And I sure as hell am not going to deal with any of your crap. I've dealt with high school, middle school, and family drama and I don't need any more.You all make me sick. I don't hate people often, there are two people that I do hate and am learning to forgive for their roles in the pain they caused me, but you...your actions make me think that you DESERVE to be hated. I would love to Hate you and cast the first stone, since you threw them at me first, but I at least know better. I hope you learn to have some compassion to others, because you're sure not getting any from me until you change your heart.
On a happier note, I get to finally see Christian on Thursday. I've never been more proud of anyone like I am him. He has devoted his life to making me happy, sacrificing everything to make sure I'm taken care of. He has willingly spent three months away from me, so that he could provide for me. He has been more of a man than anyone in my life. He has been honest and faithful and sweet and respectful and strong. He has never hung my mistakes over my head...I could go on for hours, but the point is that I finally will be back in his arms. And soon enough we will be far away from this madness and family chaos. And I will be eternally grateful to spend a year as far away from the negative influences in my life as I can. Christian will be at school, and we will be able to raise our son at the beach. Take him to the zoo. Show him the sunlight and watch him play and grow. It's been crazy the past two days looking at these little kids and wondering what my son will look like. Wondering who he will take after. Wondering what spoils he's going to get from adoring great grandparents and...maybe grandparents, and all his aunts and uncles. I can't wait to raise him in a way better household and environment than I grew up in. I will never let my son go through what I have. I won't let it happen, and I will raise him to be the man I know he can be. To be understanding, respectful, faithful, honest, charitable, kind, strong in the church, physically strong, mentally strong, to have good values, to use wise judgement, to not judge others, to be kind to others, to love your neighbor, to be better than those who try to bring him down.
He will not grow up alone, scared, eating lunch in the bathroom by himself, spending weekends at home staring at his phone, to have no one to talk to at school and church, to feel judged or scrutinized, picked on for being different, humiliated for being smarter than others. He will grow up the way a child should grow up. Not at all like me. Or like his dad; moving from place to place, never having a real place to call home, never feeling like he really belonged anywhere and when he finally did that was taken away from him. He will be understanding of the moves we have to make as a family, he will understand the sacrifices he will have to make because of his dads career. He will be proud and happy to be with his family, not angry or full of regret. He will know he is loved and cherished and that no matter what he does or the mistakes he makes; we will love and be proud of him. We will push him to do his best, but not expect perfection. We will encourage excellence in school, but not deny him what he wants outside the classroom.
I just hope that my heart learns to heal. I've forgiven people so often that every time they've torn my heart strings I've merely patched it with a band-aid. They have disappointed me and really let me down by showing me their true colors. I hope that I can continue to forgive them and know that they don't know any better, or at least don't know how to act better. My heart has been full of bitterness and a lack of trust for many good reasons and I'm going to be the better man and turn the other cheek and walk away. I will be the better person, because I would like to be the example to them. I will live my life as well as I can and hope that they in return can honestly get over their pride and off that high horse and accept me for who I am. Because I'm not going to change who I am for them. Just like I don't expect them to make remarkable changes that I really wish they would make. I accept them and hope that one day they will do the same to me.
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