Well...Christmas came and went and I got to spend it with my amazing husband. Got to see some cousins. For once, things were really looking up. Everything seemed to be going the way it was supposed to, or at least that's what I thought. We spent the day together sharing our presents and cuddling on the bed while Christian figured out how to set up the Xbox. Besides a minor headache and feeling exhausted all the time I was fine. I'd spent Christmas Eve night being spoiled by Christian. We had dressed up, him in dress blues, me in a nice formal casual outfit. He had given me chocolates and flowers, then we had gone out to dinner at McGrath's and then driven up to the Temple grounds. We had spent the weekend taking pictures and shopping, and also taking me to the After Hours Emergency Medical Clinic on Saturday. I had been really sick for a few days, but Christian was home and nothing else mattered.
Well, on the 26th of December at around five at night, I figured out through a phone call Christian was having with a buddy of his, that not only were his orders to leave on the 15th of January not going to be changed, but after the 3 weeks at Pendleton, he would be going straight to his MOS school for up to 18 months...and I wasn't allowed to go with him. Not only would I have to have the baby by myself, but now I get to raise him by myself as well. All our plans...gone. All because the recruiter was sneaky enough to not put any of it in writing, but assure us that everything was working out, and I'd most definitely be there with him. I should have known something was wrong the minute I saw Christian's face when he came home from Recruiters assistance. I should have put two and two together and realized that my whole world was spinning out of control.
I've been lied to many times, but this...this really takes the cake. It sounded too good to be true and it was...how stupid was I to think that there were still honest people in the world? I've now realized that no one ever really cares about other human beings, it's just about the money. The paper. The Doe. It's about who can rank up the fastest and be the best, even if it means stabbing people in the back and ruining their lives in the process. As long as they bring home the paycheck and can support their own families right? I mean Christian and I were desperate and they used that to their advantage. They lied. They all sugar coated the facts and lied to our faces.
I spent most of the night crying, not wanting to be touched and avoiding everyone. I felt sick. Panic attacks hit and I found myself trying for a good hour to calm myself down. Christian held me and tried to comfort me, but it didn't help. I got out of his arms and went to get dressed when mom asked us to hurry and run to the store to get some food. I was numb. Trying to shut off any and all emotions. If I pretended like I wasn't bothered, maybe eventually I'd believe it. I had lots to think about. Like how I was going to have to be induced early just so Christian could be there, or I'd have to do it by myself. Where was I going to live for the year and a half he'd be gone? Would we even get paid separation fees or Housing allowances? Would I even be able to fly down and see him? Would I have to be in a hotel off base and he'd only get to see me during the day and I wouldn't even be able to spend the night with him? Would he even be able to talk or email or Skype at night or would he be so swamped down with homework that he'd be too tired? Should I somehow take some classes with a new baby? Should I go to school or try to get another job? Would the separation ruin our marriage? Would taking care of our son alone be too much? What was I supposed to do? Was I going to be in charge of doing everything myself? Midnight feedings? Doctor appointments? Bills? When would I sleep? When would things turn around and I'd be able to go with Christian? Would I even be able to go to the base with him? Or would they decide to deploy him for another 9 months? Would he even get to see his son, would he still love me as much as he did when he left? What had I done to deserve this? Some Christmas huh?
At around 1 am Christian finally fell asleep and I spent two hours sobbing and stroking his face, wishing I'd drowned myself in the bathtub that night years ago before I met him. All of this was my fault. Us being married so young, having a baby, him losing his jobs, us signing into a crappy apartment, us having no choice but to sign up for the Marines, me being so trusting as to believe everything the recruiter said, us going three months apart with nothing but occasional letters to keep our marriage strong, and now him being forced to not be allowed to be there for the birth of our son, and him having to be away for 18 months without seeing his son or me...Flying us out once every 3 or so months for a day or two doesn't cut it. How much was he going to have to suffer because I was in his life? I fell asleep holding his hand and cradling his head to my chest. He got up that morning and went to do recruiters assistance, I watched him leave and spent the morning crying in our bed. I made myself physically ill and ended up throwing up and sitting in the bath for an hour, tears running down my face. Three hours later I finally heard from Christian and tried to pretend like I was fine, but he'd find out eventually that I was falling apart. Baby has been as restless and sick as me this morning. Somehow I think he knows something is wrong. I sort of wish he could stay in there forever and never have to see how the world really is. Wish he could stay safe and sound in the dark and never have to come out at all. Well, I'm going back to bed. Wish me luck.
That night we got some good news. Not only were there strings we could pull, and loopholes in what the recruiter had said, but if we played it out right Christian would not only be there for the birth of our son, but I'd be able to go to Pensacola later with him. It took a lot of time to figure out the timing and how we'd have to get it done, but we decided that if he could get extra time for his leave he'd be able to stay for the baby. If he went straight to Pensacola after MCT then he'd have a week or two at school until a long weekend. He'd fly home, all of our stuff would be packed and ready to go. The movers would pack the stuff that day and then Christian, Jonathan, and I would take the 2,000 mile, full 32 hour approximate trip to the base, where our base housing or off base option would be ready.
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