Well...Christmas came and went and I got to spend it with my amazing husband. Got to see some cousins. For once, things were really looking up. Everything seemed to be going the way it was supposed to, or at least that's what I thought. We spent the day together sharing our presents and cuddling on the bed while Christian figured out how to set up the Xbox. Besides a minor headache and feeling exhausted all the time I was fine. I'd spent Christmas Eve night being spoiled by Christian. We had dressed up, him in dress blues, me in a nice formal casual outfit. He had given me chocolates and flowers, then we had gone out to dinner at McGrath's and then driven up to the Temple grounds. We had spent the weekend taking pictures and shopping, and also taking me to the After Hours Emergency Medical Clinic on Saturday. I had been really sick for a few days, but Christian was home and nothing else mattered.
Well, on the 26th of December at around five at night, I figured out through a phone call Christian was having with a buddy of his, that not only were his orders to leave on the 15th of January not going to be changed, but after the 3 weeks at Pendleton, he would be going straight to his MOS school for up to 18 months...and I wasn't allowed to go with him. Not only would I have to have the baby by myself, but now I get to raise him by myself as well. All our plans...gone. All because the recruiter was sneaky enough to not put any of it in writing, but assure us that everything was working out, and I'd most definitely be there with him. I should have known something was wrong the minute I saw Christian's face when he came home from Recruiters assistance. I should have put two and two together and realized that my whole world was spinning out of control.
I've been lied to many times, but this...this really takes the cake. It sounded too good to be true and it was...how stupid was I to think that there were still honest people in the world? I've now realized that no one ever really cares about other human beings, it's just about the money. The paper. The Doe. It's about who can rank up the fastest and be the best, even if it means stabbing people in the back and ruining their lives in the process. As long as they bring home the paycheck and can support their own families right? I mean Christian and I were desperate and they used that to their advantage. They lied. They all sugar coated the facts and lied to our faces.
I spent most of the night crying, not wanting to be touched and avoiding everyone. I felt sick. Panic attacks hit and I found myself trying for a good hour to calm myself down. Christian held me and tried to comfort me, but it didn't help. I got out of his arms and went to get dressed when mom asked us to hurry and run to the store to get some food. I was numb. Trying to shut off any and all emotions. If I pretended like I wasn't bothered, maybe eventually I'd believe it. I had lots to think about. Like how I was going to have to be induced early just so Christian could be there, or I'd have to do it by myself. Where was I going to live for the year and a half he'd be gone? Would we even get paid separation fees or Housing allowances? Would I even be able to fly down and see him? Would I have to be in a hotel off base and he'd only get to see me during the day and I wouldn't even be able to spend the night with him? Would he even be able to talk or email or Skype at night or would he be so swamped down with homework that he'd be too tired? Should I somehow take some classes with a new baby? Should I go to school or try to get another job? Would the separation ruin our marriage? Would taking care of our son alone be too much? What was I supposed to do? Was I going to be in charge of doing everything myself? Midnight feedings? Doctor appointments? Bills? When would I sleep? When would things turn around and I'd be able to go with Christian? Would I even be able to go to the base with him? Or would they decide to deploy him for another 9 months? Would he even get to see his son, would he still love me as much as he did when he left? What had I done to deserve this? Some Christmas huh?
At around 1 am Christian finally fell asleep and I spent two hours sobbing and stroking his face, wishing I'd drowned myself in the bathtub that night years ago before I met him. All of this was my fault. Us being married so young, having a baby, him losing his jobs, us signing into a crappy apartment, us having no choice but to sign up for the Marines, me being so trusting as to believe everything the recruiter said, us going three months apart with nothing but occasional letters to keep our marriage strong, and now him being forced to not be allowed to be there for the birth of our son, and him having to be away for 18 months without seeing his son or me...Flying us out once every 3 or so months for a day or two doesn't cut it. How much was he going to have to suffer because I was in his life? I fell asleep holding his hand and cradling his head to my chest. He got up that morning and went to do recruiters assistance, I watched him leave and spent the morning crying in our bed. I made myself physically ill and ended up throwing up and sitting in the bath for an hour, tears running down my face. Three hours later I finally heard from Christian and tried to pretend like I was fine, but he'd find out eventually that I was falling apart. Baby has been as restless and sick as me this morning. Somehow I think he knows something is wrong. I sort of wish he could stay in there forever and never have to see how the world really is. Wish he could stay safe and sound in the dark and never have to come out at all. Well, I'm going back to bed. Wish me luck.
That night we got some good news. Not only were there strings we could pull, and loopholes in what the recruiter had said, but if we played it out right Christian would not only be there for the birth of our son, but I'd be able to go to Pensacola later with him. It took a lot of time to figure out the timing and how we'd have to get it done, but we decided that if he could get extra time for his leave he'd be able to stay for the baby. If he went straight to Pensacola after MCT then he'd have a week or two at school until a long weekend. He'd fly home, all of our stuff would be packed and ready to go. The movers would pack the stuff that day and then Christian, Jonathan, and I would take the 2,000 mile, full 32 hour approximate trip to the base, where our base housing or off base option would be ready.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Four Days Until I Can Let Go
It has been a long haul. Three months and a week. Not only have I gained stress physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I tip my hats to all the women around the world who have Husbands in the service, and likewise to the Husbands who's Wives are in the service. The sacrifice has never seemed as surreal and troublesome until I had to go through with it.
Those of you who know me, don't know me at all. I've gone through more in my lifetime than any person ever should. I've suffered and struggled and been left to deal with it on my own. The friends I thought I had, I ended up finding out too late were not there for me and didn't have me in mind. Being alone in a house full of people, feeling empty and socially distraught...has been my life for the past three months. I've been able to depend on myself and learn not to care when people let me down. I've also managed to have a new habit of being so lonely I talk to myself in public, and am constantly trying to find a quiet place where my thoughts and I can retreat to.
The best part is that the people I once used to talk to and have a relationship with, I now find try to avoid me and conversation. Those who know of mistakes I've made hang them over my head and keep me in a constant state of guilt and humiliation. The worst of these offenders being my mother. If it's not bad enough that I have to live at home again, when she wanted nothing more than to kick me out, she now blames me for situations I had no control over. Other members of my family have also got this offensive attitude towards me and should be ashamed of themselves. How dare you! How dare you treat me with such abhorrent behavior! How dare you think that I deserve what I got! That what I've had to go through I deserved because I made a mistake. HOW DARE YOU! Avoiding subjects, avoiding me, do you really have so much pride that you've all forgotten what mistakes you've made? Do you not remember how much suffering you went through? Do you not remember how others judged you? Do you remember the feeling of humiliation you were consumed with in their presence? Do You? Did you like hearing anyone else tell you that you DESERVED what you got? Because you sure don't act like you do. You act like you are perfect and spotless in every aspect of your lives. How dare you all. I'm embarrassed to have people like you in my lives. You have no room to judge and yet you hand out judgement like you're God. Guess what? You're not. Your behavior makes your old sins the same crimson as mine, so don't act like you've got the perfect slate when you can't forgive others of their transgressions.
I have been patient enough with the judgmental looks, and the whispers behind my back, but don't think for a second that I won't remember you're mistakes and your attitude towards me. I have forgiven every person in my life to a fault. It has given me more pain than it's worth and it ended up being the final reason why I made my mistake in the first place when I had no one left. You're lack of understanding, accepting of me, and support honestly makes me want to hate you. As someone who has looked up to you for help when I needed it most, and yet you didn't care, didn't want to even try...I've spent more time crying because of everyone in my life who has turned away from me, than I have most of my life. I've been dealing with everything by myself, and it's a miracle I have anyone to talk to about it at all. She's been the only one to help me see that I'm not this terrible person everyone now makes me out to be. She's helped me see that my suffering at the expense of everyone else's pride isn't okay. That their lack of support isn't my fault and that (in a sense) the trials that led to a mistake of mine, and how everyone else is reacting isn't my fault. She has listened and hasn't judged though I'm sure others have tried to persuade her to.
I'll tell you though. I'm happy. I'll be happy to be as far away from everyone as I can get. Pensicola, Florida will be good for me and Christian. Away from judging stares and hurtful comments. Away from those who don't accept me for me and who dislike my husband. To all of you...I say SUCK IT UP! Get off your high horse and get a life. If you're not going to be there for me, then I don't want you to be in my life at all. I don't need any more negativity in my life and if you're not going to make being in my life a positive thing for me, then I don't want you anywhere in it. I've been just fine on my own and I don't depend on anyone but myself, so don't act like I'm helpless. I am not weak. I am not helpless. And I sure as hell am not going to deal with any of your crap. I've dealt with high school, middle school, and family drama and I don't need any more.You all make me sick. I don't hate people often, there are two people that I do hate and am learning to forgive for their roles in the pain they caused me, but you...your actions make me think that you DESERVE to be hated. I would love to Hate you and cast the first stone, since you threw them at me first, but I at least know better. I hope you learn to have some compassion to others, because you're sure not getting any from me until you change your heart.
On a happier note, I get to finally see Christian on Thursday. I've never been more proud of anyone like I am him. He has devoted his life to making me happy, sacrificing everything to make sure I'm taken care of. He has willingly spent three months away from me, so that he could provide for me. He has been more of a man than anyone in my life. He has been honest and faithful and sweet and respectful and strong. He has never hung my mistakes over my head...I could go on for hours, but the point is that I finally will be back in his arms. And soon enough we will be far away from this madness and family chaos. And I will be eternally grateful to spend a year as far away from the negative influences in my life as I can. Christian will be at school, and we will be able to raise our son at the beach. Take him to the zoo. Show him the sunlight and watch him play and grow. It's been crazy the past two days looking at these little kids and wondering what my son will look like. Wondering who he will take after. Wondering what spoils he's going to get from adoring great grandparents and...maybe grandparents, and all his aunts and uncles. I can't wait to raise him in a way better household and environment than I grew up in. I will never let my son go through what I have. I won't let it happen, and I will raise him to be the man I know he can be. To be understanding, respectful, faithful, honest, charitable, kind, strong in the church, physically strong, mentally strong, to have good values, to use wise judgement, to not judge others, to be kind to others, to love your neighbor, to be better than those who try to bring him down.
He will not grow up alone, scared, eating lunch in the bathroom by himself, spending weekends at home staring at his phone, to have no one to talk to at school and church, to feel judged or scrutinized, picked on for being different, humiliated for being smarter than others. He will grow up the way a child should grow up. Not at all like me. Or like his dad; moving from place to place, never having a real place to call home, never feeling like he really belonged anywhere and when he finally did that was taken away from him. He will be understanding of the moves we have to make as a family, he will understand the sacrifices he will have to make because of his dads career. He will be proud and happy to be with his family, not angry or full of regret. He will know he is loved and cherished and that no matter what he does or the mistakes he makes; we will love and be proud of him. We will push him to do his best, but not expect perfection. We will encourage excellence in school, but not deny him what he wants outside the classroom.
I just hope that my heart learns to heal. I've forgiven people so often that every time they've torn my heart strings I've merely patched it with a band-aid. They have disappointed me and really let me down by showing me their true colors. I hope that I can continue to forgive them and know that they don't know any better, or at least don't know how to act better. My heart has been full of bitterness and a lack of trust for many good reasons and I'm going to be the better man and turn the other cheek and walk away. I will be the better person, because I would like to be the example to them. I will live my life as well as I can and hope that they in return can honestly get over their pride and off that high horse and accept me for who I am. Because I'm not going to change who I am for them. Just like I don't expect them to make remarkable changes that I really wish they would make. I accept them and hope that one day they will do the same to me.
Those of you who know me, don't know me at all. I've gone through more in my lifetime than any person ever should. I've suffered and struggled and been left to deal with it on my own. The friends I thought I had, I ended up finding out too late were not there for me and didn't have me in mind. Being alone in a house full of people, feeling empty and socially distraught...has been my life for the past three months. I've been able to depend on myself and learn not to care when people let me down. I've also managed to have a new habit of being so lonely I talk to myself in public, and am constantly trying to find a quiet place where my thoughts and I can retreat to.
The best part is that the people I once used to talk to and have a relationship with, I now find try to avoid me and conversation. Those who know of mistakes I've made hang them over my head and keep me in a constant state of guilt and humiliation. The worst of these offenders being my mother. If it's not bad enough that I have to live at home again, when she wanted nothing more than to kick me out, she now blames me for situations I had no control over. Other members of my family have also got this offensive attitude towards me and should be ashamed of themselves. How dare you! How dare you treat me with such abhorrent behavior! How dare you think that I deserve what I got! That what I've had to go through I deserved because I made a mistake. HOW DARE YOU! Avoiding subjects, avoiding me, do you really have so much pride that you've all forgotten what mistakes you've made? Do you not remember how much suffering you went through? Do you not remember how others judged you? Do you remember the feeling of humiliation you were consumed with in their presence? Do You? Did you like hearing anyone else tell you that you DESERVED what you got? Because you sure don't act like you do. You act like you are perfect and spotless in every aspect of your lives. How dare you all. I'm embarrassed to have people like you in my lives. You have no room to judge and yet you hand out judgement like you're God. Guess what? You're not. Your behavior makes your old sins the same crimson as mine, so don't act like you've got the perfect slate when you can't forgive others of their transgressions.
I have been patient enough with the judgmental looks, and the whispers behind my back, but don't think for a second that I won't remember you're mistakes and your attitude towards me. I have forgiven every person in my life to a fault. It has given me more pain than it's worth and it ended up being the final reason why I made my mistake in the first place when I had no one left. You're lack of understanding, accepting of me, and support honestly makes me want to hate you. As someone who has looked up to you for help when I needed it most, and yet you didn't care, didn't want to even try...I've spent more time crying because of everyone in my life who has turned away from me, than I have most of my life. I've been dealing with everything by myself, and it's a miracle I have anyone to talk to about it at all. She's been the only one to help me see that I'm not this terrible person everyone now makes me out to be. She's helped me see that my suffering at the expense of everyone else's pride isn't okay. That their lack of support isn't my fault and that (in a sense) the trials that led to a mistake of mine, and how everyone else is reacting isn't my fault. She has listened and hasn't judged though I'm sure others have tried to persuade her to.
I'll tell you though. I'm happy. I'll be happy to be as far away from everyone as I can get. Pensicola, Florida will be good for me and Christian. Away from judging stares and hurtful comments. Away from those who don't accept me for me and who dislike my husband. To all of you...I say SUCK IT UP! Get off your high horse and get a life. If you're not going to be there for me, then I don't want you to be in my life at all. I don't need any more negativity in my life and if you're not going to make being in my life a positive thing for me, then I don't want you anywhere in it. I've been just fine on my own and I don't depend on anyone but myself, so don't act like I'm helpless. I am not weak. I am not helpless. And I sure as hell am not going to deal with any of your crap. I've dealt with high school, middle school, and family drama and I don't need any more.You all make me sick. I don't hate people often, there are two people that I do hate and am learning to forgive for their roles in the pain they caused me, but you...your actions make me think that you DESERVE to be hated. I would love to Hate you and cast the first stone, since you threw them at me first, but I at least know better. I hope you learn to have some compassion to others, because you're sure not getting any from me until you change your heart.
On a happier note, I get to finally see Christian on Thursday. I've never been more proud of anyone like I am him. He has devoted his life to making me happy, sacrificing everything to make sure I'm taken care of. He has willingly spent three months away from me, so that he could provide for me. He has been more of a man than anyone in my life. He has been honest and faithful and sweet and respectful and strong. He has never hung my mistakes over my head...I could go on for hours, but the point is that I finally will be back in his arms. And soon enough we will be far away from this madness and family chaos. And I will be eternally grateful to spend a year as far away from the negative influences in my life as I can. Christian will be at school, and we will be able to raise our son at the beach. Take him to the zoo. Show him the sunlight and watch him play and grow. It's been crazy the past two days looking at these little kids and wondering what my son will look like. Wondering who he will take after. Wondering what spoils he's going to get from adoring great grandparents and...maybe grandparents, and all his aunts and uncles. I can't wait to raise him in a way better household and environment than I grew up in. I will never let my son go through what I have. I won't let it happen, and I will raise him to be the man I know he can be. To be understanding, respectful, faithful, honest, charitable, kind, strong in the church, physically strong, mentally strong, to have good values, to use wise judgement, to not judge others, to be kind to others, to love your neighbor, to be better than those who try to bring him down.
He will not grow up alone, scared, eating lunch in the bathroom by himself, spending weekends at home staring at his phone, to have no one to talk to at school and church, to feel judged or scrutinized, picked on for being different, humiliated for being smarter than others. He will grow up the way a child should grow up. Not at all like me. Or like his dad; moving from place to place, never having a real place to call home, never feeling like he really belonged anywhere and when he finally did that was taken away from him. He will be understanding of the moves we have to make as a family, he will understand the sacrifices he will have to make because of his dads career. He will be proud and happy to be with his family, not angry or full of regret. He will know he is loved and cherished and that no matter what he does or the mistakes he makes; we will love and be proud of him. We will push him to do his best, but not expect perfection. We will encourage excellence in school, but not deny him what he wants outside the classroom.
I just hope that my heart learns to heal. I've forgiven people so often that every time they've torn my heart strings I've merely patched it with a band-aid. They have disappointed me and really let me down by showing me their true colors. I hope that I can continue to forgive them and know that they don't know any better, or at least don't know how to act better. My heart has been full of bitterness and a lack of trust for many good reasons and I'm going to be the better man and turn the other cheek and walk away. I will be the better person, because I would like to be the example to them. I will live my life as well as I can and hope that they in return can honestly get over their pride and off that high horse and accept me for who I am. Because I'm not going to change who I am for them. Just like I don't expect them to make remarkable changes that I really wish they would make. I accept them and hope that one day they will do the same to me.
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