Frustrated yet thankful

Does anyone else have those days where everything that could possibly go wrong goes wrong and you're left wondering what in the heck is going on? Welcome to the past few weeks. I found out my husband was going to Arkansas for 3 months and I wouldn't be going up there(shocker). Then he gets told that his unit is being sent to Japan for two years and I also can't go(shocker). Then when I'm feeling absolutely depressed and anxious and moody, my son gets sick from getting his 6 month old shots, he fusses and cries nonstop(very unusual for him) and he doesn't eat or sleep and I get chastised for not taking care of him by my mom, who then precedes to tell me how it will be an inconvenience if I have to stay at home while Christian is in Okinawa... Okay, harsh. Then last night I worked on this book I'm writing as a hobby because I'm trying to keep myself busy, and after close to six hours of typing and grammar checking and revising and changing and cutting and fixing and double reading, I went to bed. Well woke up with a plan. My whole day was going to be busy and fun. Except that it wasn't. I nearly killed myself on the treadmill. Stupidly ate an apple before running and got such a bad side ache that I nearly fainted. Then my son falls asleep and I'm thinking 'heck yeah time to write some more and then after a chapter I'll garden and go swimming and then come back in...well, computer froze, so naturally I restarted...except it didn't restart instead it sat there and internally died. So I grab my phone to look up how to fix it, now in a panic that I can't back it up. I tried everything under the bright white sun and nothing worked. Then I called the apple store to see if anyone had seen something like this. One person had and the computer wasn't able to be used or have anything retrieved from it. Awesome! Baby pictures. Wedding pictures. Intimate family moments. Music. Movies. Documents. Everything gone. Just gone. Non existent. So I called the Genius Bar to make an appointment, they told me to do it online. I went online trying to get a spot, was about to click on one for that afternoon and when I clicked it it said "this slot is taken, please choose the next available time" which happened to be tomorrow afternoon. Which meant not only was I missing a chance to Skype with Christian that I wouldn't get many more of, but my computer with my hobby was gone. So I went to the grandparents for lunch. Where I got told to be pretty much perfect. Keep up the laundry. Clean the house. Pick days to do things like dust, or deep clean bathrooms, or pledge all the wood in the house, or mop, or vacuum, etc etc. Then I came home where my sister was just being such a peach and kept yelling and whining at the top of her lungs, which not only gave me a headache but it made Jonathan (who had just stopped crying and fussing) start screaming. Full on screaming people. Like the baby sounds when it falls off a bed. (Not that I'd know or anything) then with a pounding headache, a sick stomach, a sickly 8 month old and myself I went downstairs to turn on a movie...and somehow. In a 24 hour period. I had misplaced the tv remote in our room. Well Jonathan (who is still screaming) screams louder and I lay him down, search the whole house for the flipping thing, can't find it, realize there's a dumb button on the tv, Jonathan falls asleep two minutes in, then I'm left to turn off the tv without a remote, set him in bed, and pray he doesn't wake up. Then I get a call from my husband who has had a bad day and he gets on my case about everything. I manage to not flip out too bad (considering I'm sleep deprived, lonely, sore, hungry, sad, frustrated, annoyed, and ticked off) and then it's another conversation in which there's angry annoyed tension in the air...through the phone... And it ends with the phone cutting out because the service in this stupid house is about as reliable as a first generation, brick, pull up antenna, buttons as big as my thumb pads, stupid phone. Then of course I have to walk upstairs where my mom is sleeping on the couch because her children have sprawled out across her bed, and then after calling back the conversation is short and simple. Good nights are said and now I have to blog from my phone because my stupid computer is going through menopause and decided to do what the heck it wants. And now I'm going to have to buy a new computer which means I won't have the funds to go to Arkansas and go to the marine ball before Christian leaves for two years and I can't see him. So now I'm stuck with no FaceTime or Skype, and go to the ball. Or buy a new computer so I can FaceTime and Skype hopefully on weekends, and not see him in person before he leaves. Which is a terrible decision to make. See him in person for a short while? Or hopefully every weekend for an hour through Skype for two years? Either way the options suck because I can't be with him. Because once again I'm left behind. 

And what's it all for? Honestly? I have no clue. Sometimes it seems like we would be happier without each other and the stress. Sometimes it seems like when we are doing well the world swings a bat at our piñata of a relationship. Sometimes I wonder which blow will be the last before we can't take it anymore and we fall apart. How much longer the tension and worry and loneliness will go on before consuming our relationship and marriage. Sometimes I even wonder if I will ever see him again. Because out of the 15 months we have been married, he has been home six. Three after we got married, one after boot camp, a week when Jonathan was born, a weekend when I flew to Pensacola, a weekend in July, and a month in August. He's only known his son for a month and ~2 weeks out of his 8 month old life. That's messed up. My son is growing up without a daddy. A daddy who wasn't there to feed him baby food, who wasn't there for tummy time, who wasn't there when he started rolling, or when he was able to sit up by himself, or when his cute two teeth came in, or when he got an infection and was rushed to primary children's hospital, or when he started cooing and singing and started trying to talk (only managed baby language) and he's never been here to take him to a doctors appointment. I've had to sit there and hold down my own son when he was given seven shots and one oral medication in the past three months, he hasn't ever been the one to clean up throw up, or diaper changes at four am, or get up with the baby and rock him to sleep more than 2 times ever, or swim with him, or bathe with him, or snuggle with him and spend super good quality time with him. He's never sat up at four am and talked with him and rocked him for hours without a rocking chair. 

And what can I do? I have no choice in how long his dads gone. I don't get a say in anything. It's only through a miracle and a high ranking family member was I able to even get Christian home for the birth of our son (which started 8 hours after he landed home) 

What's there to be grateful for? Sometimes it seems like there's nothing good about the world. And nothing ever goes right. But then I see that I have a roof over my head, I have a car that works (unless she too decides to go through menopause, which happens occasionally) I have food on the table, money in the bank enough for a small emergency Nest egg. I have amazing insurance. (These medical benefits amazing! Four day stay in an intensive care unit for Jonathan and out if the 10,973.20 I only paid 130.17) I have a husband who works hard every day to give me the luxuries i have , I have a husband and I'm not a single mom who's man ran off, I'm able to stay at home with my baby instead of work full time and not get to raise my own son, I have tons of free time, can go anywhere I want, the weather is nice and cool, the pool is refreshing in the morning, I have a huge yard to garden in, I have movies and internet and phones and computers at my disposal... And yet I still complain. I complain about being lonely. I complain about being sad, so sad it's crippled me. I complain that I have no hobbies to do every single day for hours, that I actually like. I stay up most of the night just praying that I'll have the strength and willpower to get out of bed the next morning. I wait for hours for calls that never come. For a Skype session that never is logged into. For an email that isn't returned. And yet I smile. Because I have to. I can't spend all day crying and being miserable even though half the time when I go into my room and his picture is mounted on the wall I lean my back against the wall and sob, Because I can't find the energy or willpower to not. I stare at the car door expecting it to be opened for me, before realizing that he's not home. He's never home. And all I want is for him to come home. Heck I would even be happy to go to Japan for two years, even though I don't know the language and I'm not much of a Japanese food person. Plus if WWIII breaks out and everyone decides to kill Syria and South Africa, Christian will deploy and I'll be in a foreign country, by myself, with no family, no close friends, alone trying to raise a son and find books in English that I can read to him. 

So how in the darkness and confusion of this life are we supposed to be thankful? To be happy with what we have? When what we have can be taken away in a split second. Sometimes I wonder why with Gods power he doesn't influence the world for good, more times than bad. I wonder why he doesn't change things. Like keep natural disasters from ruining families, and lives everywhere, which tears down the economy and causes everything to suffer which makes people work harder for less which leads to less jobs and too many people to fill them. I see homeless people downtown and wonder if they ask God the same question. Where were you when I needed you? When my life was falling apart why didn't you swoop in and make it better? If I was a good person and did what I was supposed to, then why do bad things happen to me? Why do bad, no terrible, things happen to good people and yet those people who constantly are not doing good things...they get off easy? What's there to be thankful for if you're only going to take those things away? 

Does anybody else agree? It's hard in times of trial to find anything good about anything. When you're doing the best you can and things still go wrong it's frustrating and annoying. Until you see the karma God sends on people who do bad things to good people. Then it makes you grateful you weren't them and he didn't kill your dog, your horse, and give you cancer. 

I figure if I can be grateful for one bad thing and ten good things a day, then I'm doing my best to be positive and a good person. So that's my new goal for the...well until I blog next. Which with the way technology is acting in this house, my phone will be next, so...soon. But I'm going to find one/or pick one bad thing that happened and make it a positive experience. So...yeah. Guess ill blog more later!