Being a Marine Wife, I've had to learn to adapt and, pardon my language, kick life in the ass. Only problem. These little lovely things keep happening in which I am always framed as the bad guy. Not only does it make my life ten times harder, but it's embarrassing and humiliating to have to constantly get on my knees to apologize for something I haven't done.
Last night was the worst I've seen. The "D" word was used. Those of you who are married know that that one word should never be used if you want a healthy marriage. I've had to endure now...seven episodes in which that word was used. Two were by me in the defensive case. The others...well, obviously are not mine. Not only is it distressing to me to imagine the single mother life while I have an almost 6 month old son, but to also have to work full time and not be able to raise him the way I want to makes me sick.
Last night at around 2 am I was heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I was ready to give up, I had cried out every tear my body had. I was tired of fighting, tired of wondering why I was going through this. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I was being told it was my fault. I was being yelled at because of things I had no part in. I had a nice talk with my step sister who tried to talk to me and explain that eventually all things would work out. And I assume she's right, since she's a genius and always right. But one thing stuck out in our conversation, that our trials are not God punishing us.
God does not punish us for mistakes we have made days, weeks, or months or years ago if we've really tried to change. But as she realized on Saturday, that's not entirely the case with people down here with us. People are constantly judging others, without the knowledge of the situations behind it. Why? Why? Why would God make me go through this? I'm not some iron woman. I'm not hard to wear down and mold into something great. I'm made out of paper or thin plastic. I'm crushed, shattered and somehow I manage to glue my pieces sloppily back together. But I've hit the end of my rope and I'm out of glue. If we had really let it go and had been forgiven why would God have constant reminders hanging over our heads? Answer: It's not God.
So, every thing that happens that makes you remember a mistake you've made, that you would have loved to have taken back isn't Gods fault...okay. But why doesn't He step down and help? Why doesn't He take away the rippling trials attached to each one? Because He can't. That...it entirely not true. He could if he really wanted, but it's not his nature to mess with a plan that allows us full agency. It's our choice, not his. I don't mean to sound sacrilegious, but I feel like a rat in a maze, and with every wrong turn I make, they change the maze and add new sections to make it harder.
I'm not one to get on the floor and pound my fists and kick my legs like a two or three year old, but even as a 20 year old I wish I could. I wish I could fall to the ground and kick and scream and say it isn't fair. I didn't ask for these trials and He is being cruel to force me to continue to suffer. When everything I do is to try to be a better person.
I've tried being supportive and kind and honest and faithful and charitable and loving and passionate and smart and funny and intelligent and where has it gotten me? Every situation I'm exposed to makes it worse. What did I do to deserve these trials? Did I run over His sacred puppy or something with my car because I would really like to be rewarded for good behavior, instead of being thrown multiple times under the same bus.
Why can't things just...why can't I be given a break? I'm doing my best...well sort of. I'm sure I could be better, but that's not the point. I'm a GOOD person. I'm the girl who you would expect to have a ton of friends because she's so nice and honest and caring, but I don't. And last night...I lost the only friend I have left, because my significant other was throwing a childish fit. *harsh but true* I mean honestly! I have literally no friends left. I have family....and that's literally it. My best friend tried to take my husband from me, and my other good friends have gone to college and are ignoring me because they are "too cool" for me now. I had one other friend and I'd known him for almost 6 years 7 maybe, and he's gone.
I mean it's not like I blab my marital problems or finance problems or anything to the world, but it's nice to just have a friend to talk to. To talk back about fun times when we were young and carefree and the world didn't matter. Talking about times when we had huge dreams and we were going to be great in the world...talking about goals, about qualities we were looking for in our significant others *not each other*, talking about life, school, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. Back when the world made more sense than now when everything just...sucks.
I had an old boyfriend come to the house surprisingly about...oh four months ago maybe five. And he said the most profound thing I've ever heard. I hadn't seen him in years and I recognized him but didn't know his name or what had happened when we had dated, but he stood there and said the two most meaningful words I'd heard. "I'm Sorry." I invited him in and sat him down on the couch while I stood across the room not really sure what to do. Then he explained.
When we had started dating he hadn't been the best kid, he was rebelling and was a bad example. Also, he had lost a family member. Then he told me that when he ended things badly with me, a whole bunch of bad things started happening to him. He had gotten cancer, another family member had died, he beat cancer and through the chemo actually got a new cancer, fought through that one while they found another kind. He fought off three different rounds of chemo, and the whole time he had been thinking over his life. Saying if God would save him, he would change, he would beg forgiveness and apologize to all the people he treated wrongly. He beat the cancer and my face had popped into his head. He remembered where I lived and kept putting off coming to say sorry, worried I would turn him away. He came over and when he was greeted by my brother he was tempted to get in his car, get through the snow and leave. When he had seen me guilt hit him in the gut and he told me how sorry he was. How he had treated me terribly and I deserved so much better. How he shouldn't have said the things he did to me. How he should never have raised his voice or his hand to me. How he was so so sorry and he needed to make it right.
I was so shocked I just stood there and stared at him with my mouth open like an idiot. No one had ever taken responsibility and apologized to me ever. I mean literally never. None of the abusive cruel and flat out women hating boys had ever apologized for hitting me, yelling at me, throwing me around, calling me cruel names, treating me like dirt, and expecting me to in turn respect and fear them. I nodded and tried to comprehend what he had said, all while trying to remember what he did to me. He stood up and I shook his hand and thanked him for coming and apologizing, assuring him that I had forgiven him years ago, and I had forgotten everything *because I literally had*. He thanked me for being so forgiving and he left with the biggest smile on his face. His face covered completely in a look I couldn't have mistaken for anything, but relief and gratitude. Now I'm not sure if he had actually beaten cancer or if he was terminal and needed to be forgiven or at least try before he died, but I know that he was the biggest example of change and perseverance. I am so grateful to have gone through the bad times, because the end result of that situation, though it was years later, was definitely worth it.
Another triumphing story is my step sister. Fighting health issues that have caused her nothing but pain and trouble. She has learned to gain from her experiences. Gaining understanding, compassion, faith, and a sure knowledge that soon things will get better. It may not be today or tomorrow, it could be in years, or maybe not until we are gone...but things always get better. It's always worth it. Everything works out and even though it sucks, it's life. It's the life we were handed and our two options are succumb to the trial, or to grow and push through it stronger, so that the next trial doesn't drag us down as far. Building us up after breaking us down.
That reminds me. It's like working out. The working out sucks and the pain is a nuisance, but the end results make the long hours, the uncomfortable sore and painful movements, and the constant repetition worth it.
So, that's it. My trial has just kicked me in the butt and I can't do anything to change the situation, so instead I get to focus on making myself stronger. Being the best me I can be and pushing to be better. Maybe this problem will leave me with more pain and lonely suffering, but I know that there isn't any sense in running or ignoring the problem. And crying about the issue isn't going to do anything but make me look weak.
God knows, I didn't ask for this trial. I didn't ask for God to put this in my path, but I'm sure that He wouldn't have given me anything I couldn't handle. He knows my full potential and I'm going to show Him I won't give up. I won't step down and back off. I won't be any less than the person he knows I can be and if that means He has to break me down to build me up, so be it, because I'm not made of iron. I realize that. My trials are harder because I'm stronger than that. I'm made of diamond. Each hard splitting trial breaks off a part of me, the end result? Years and years of pressure and forming, followed by some "painful" shaping, will give me an end result of the beauty behind the diamonds in my wedding ring. Each one taking millions of years to endure pressure and heat and forming into these great things under that pressure. Then to be taken into a master crafter's hands and turned into something beautiful. After putting trials into that perspective knowing that I am strong and if I endure it will be worth it, I'm going to finish my trials with my head up high. Because no matter what happens, someone knows my potential fully and completely, and supports me and is watching my back, and I don't ever want to let Him down.
