So, needless to say this has been the worst year of my life. I've been married to my best friend for a year this June 22nd. We've had a baby boy and we thought life was dandy. We've been separated due to the military for 10 months and my marriage is falling apart. I've found time and time again that I don't seem to have anything in common with him anymore and he's not the man I married.
Stupid right? Yeah, well that's the situation. I've been lonely and miserable for ten months and I'm done. I've tried everything. I've suggested marriage counselors, couples therapy, you name it I've probably suggested it. And to be quite frank. At this point in my life I don't want to deal with it. The arguing and the snapping and the mean remarks and the constant bitterness. I'm tired. I'm so tired. And I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. Like everything is my fault. Now, yes I'm harsh and strict and to the point in my marriage, but let's face it. Men...you suck at relationships sometimes, and women need to occasionally put you in your place. It's not a bad thing to have a woman tell you what to do. It means she is smarter than you and should be treated as such.
Also, for those guys who take everything women say and flip it around or completely change the meaning so that we look like the bad guy...no. You're an idiot and it doesn't work on us. You can't take the phrase, "Honey, he's freaking huge, dude is scary big." and turn it into, "You're not buff enough for me, and I think other men are more attractive than you. Also, I like men with muscles on muscles on muscles..." No...
Just No.
See how ridiculous it seems? But guess what? ALL OF YOU DO IT!!! STOP!
Seriously. You all wonder why it is that girls are pissed at you all the time? It's probably you. According to statistics in my family...7/7 girls think men are idiots or gross or just immature, and 3/3 men think they are smarter and better than women...and one just likes animal crackers more than girls because they have cooties.
Even my son, who is four months old, would agree with me on this. "DADDY AND I AGREE THAT MOMMY IS THE BOSS" is not just a funny or cute quote. The makers of that quote on baby clothes and blankets and shoes and jackets and towels...knew that women get what we want, and if the woman isn't happy...NO ONE IS HAPPY. Simple fact. And most of this is me just being aggravated and unleashing some pent up rage in which most of it will have to be worked off on the treadmill tomorrow, but it's not like anyone reads my blog or even cares...so why not right? I mean it's one thing to have a bad day, but it's another to make a bad day worse with...not so good of news, and tell me that everything is gonna be dandy because the huge romantic homecoming for the 4th of July is a no go, and oh did I mention that 10 months out of my year long marriage I've spent apart from my hubby? Yeah... I'm pissed, and angry, and upset, and sad, and heartbroken, and I feel like me sitting here planning this awesome homecoming was a stupid waste. STUPID WASTE!
Why do I even try? I mean seriously?!? Who even cares?
No one.
Absolutely No one.
I've honestly given up. I don't know what to do. And I don't know where to turn. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and it just keeps getting worse. I'm not making him happy anymore. And my failure is...hurting the relationship I have with my son, because I'm down and depressed and not very enthusiastic when playing or reading to him. Most the time, I leave him in his rocker swing and read a book or watch tv. I'm failing as a mom and I'm tired. I'm so tired of being tired. Honestly I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm just not sure I want to go to it anymore. I'm not sure I want to fix this. Maybe this is what my life has come down to. One misery after another. No light in sight, and then when the light finally shows up, I don't even care. I don't care about anything.
Maybe the separation would be good.
Maybe the silence will bring clarity.
Maybe I won't depend on him to be happy.
Maybe Wednesday will bring the final answer. Who knows?
Maybe I just don't deserve my Happily Ever After fairytale. Maybe I'm just not all that special.
